Nashebaazi!!

Nashebaazi!!

"Khoob jamega rang, jab mil baithenge teen yaar..Main, aap aur Bagpiper" In this inspirational statement, Bagpiper has got nothing to do with the bakchodi that follows. Now today, I take upon myself the moral duty of categorizing the types of drinking companions that you will encounter in your long wretched alcohol-filled life .

Types of drunkards:

1) The Silent Assassin : This motherfucker goes about his job in a very silent way. While others will be boasting their stories of bravery and chivalry (mostly involving chicks), he will be gobbling down peg after peg. He will hardly participate in any bakchodi. To any greetings, his only answer will be "Bas yaar..Sab theek hai".

2) The Bakchod: He is the nucleus of any Daru-Party. He is like the straw that stirs the drink. He will be the most enthusiastic, right from the first peg till the penultimate peg. Of-course he will pass out during the last peg. I will give you certain dialogues which this guy is sure to utter during his non-stop bakchodi. This guy invariably follows this pattern:

After three pegs: He is sure to say to the friend hosting the party: "Tu mera chhota bhai hai...hiccchhh".

After five pegs: The Bakchod guy must have also had a tiff with some school-mate or college-mate in remote past but he will make sure that he takes this opportunity to utter out the words: "Yaar tu abhi phone laga use..Main baat karunga!"

After seven pegs: If any friend in the drinking party is suffering a heart-break then our Bakchod will say: "Bhai tu ek ishara kar bas! Sali ko uthwa denge ghar se!".

After eight pegs: To the same hart-broken friend, he is going to say: "Dost!! Aurat bahut madarchod cheez hoti hai! ..hicchhh".

After nine pegs: "Abey mere chadhi nahi hai.. Main to acting kar raha hun..hicchhh."

After ten pegs: "Saale daru pee kar English kitni acchi ho jaati hai re.. hicchh"

After eleven pegs: "Dost gaadi to main hi chalaunga.. hicchh"

After twelve pegs: Produces an eleven second fart which changes notes three times and forces all the mosquitoes in the room to suffocate to death.

3) The Majnu-Ranjha Remix: This poor chap is the one who is in deep love and mostly heart-broken as well. He is the same guy whom our Bakchod from type # 2 condoles by saying: "Bhai tu ek ishara kar bas! Sali ko uthwa denge ghar se!". This guy will mostly be quiet for the first four-five pegs, concentrating mainly on putting soft-n-slow sad songs. The choice of songs also depends upon how badly he has been raped in life. For instance, if he had a normal breakup cos things didn't work out, then he will be putting Mukesh's songs, but if he had seen his GF making love to another guy willingly (accompanied by moans of approval like 'Oh Yes!' 'Oh Yes!'.. 'Fuck Me!' 'Fuck Me!') then he will be surely listening to Ghulam Ali. He breaks his silence mostly after the fifth peg with the vintage dialogue: "Bhai bahut pyar karta hun usse.. Jaan bhi de sakta hun!!". Not to mention, how our Bakchod from type # 2 replies to this.

3) The Bania Buddhi: His only concern is to recover (if at all contributed) the money that he has pooled in to arrange the party. He is like our Arjuna of the 'parrot and eye' fame as his one eye is always focused on that most expensive side-dish (mostly salted cashew-nut) that is finishing at the rate of knots. Now this fuck can find himself in two predicaments:

Predicament #1: The party is about to get over although little alcohol is still left, but he still feels that he has not yet recovered his money (if at all contributed). So he will say: "Chal! Last peg neat maarte hain.."

Predicament #2: The party is over and so is the alcohol, but he still feels that he has not yet recovered his money (if at all contributed). So he will say: "Chal Pandit k yahan paraathe kha kar aatein hain..." hoping to extract more by answering a very important phone call when the bill for the paraathe comes.

4) The Saleem Pheku: He is a self-proclaimed Tanker. Having built a lot of clout with innocent chutiam sulphates about his heavy drinking prowess, he thinks he is the brightest bulb in the chandelier of drunks. But the reality remains, that when he is at his best he can take down only two pegs and that too mixed with a cold drink. His entire party time goes in diverting people's attention from his peg and to avoid any prospective fucking that is coming his way from that one fellow drunkard who is keeping an eye on how many pegs he is gulping down. But he will be guarding his peg like a coke formula.

5) The Chutia Host: His entire time in the party is consumed thinking why the fuck did he organize it!! His one eye will be on the door, fearing if his landlord has come to exchange the not-so-pleasant pleasantries and his other eye will be on the friend who is going to be the first wicket to fall. In regular intervals of fifteen minutes (After the first five rounds are over), you will hear this person grumbling: "Saale peete to ja rahe ho, lekin agar ulti kari mere room mein to gand tod dunga tumhari..".

I am sure, the next time you are in a Nashebaazi Party with your alcoholic good-for-nothing bakchod friends, you will be able to classify each of your friends into the categories mentioned above. With my experience of being in such parties and sometimes ending up with my face in the commode, I am sure I didn't miss any species of drunkards or did I ??

It was a fine Saturday evening, I was burrowing the sorrows (that were inflicted upon me by my pussy-faced boss during the weekdays) into a desi porn movie titled Sardi Ki Raat Chuddo Bhabhi Ke Saath. I was buck naked, had one hand wrapped around the cheap Royal Stag quarter and the other wrapped around my magnificent, flaccid Six-and-a-half inch wonder (Yes. I am a man of exaggerations!!) and I am trying with all my might to remember what Katrina's nipples would look like. Strange how the lack of pussy changes even a good man's demeanor. Billu Devar, the hero in the movie was giving Chuddo Bhabhi the old and trusted in-out in-out treatment. He looked like a batman with a bat-dick and Chuddo Bhabhi was also some piece of work, if there was one.

Watching a BF always makes me think how the fuck are men meant to stay with the same girl for the rest of their life when I can't even wank over the same porn twice? That takes nothing away from the porn though. I seriously believe that porn is the best thing since sliced bread. If given a chance, I will very well like to become a public fornicator. Here, my tharaki readers, I would like to challenge that takla Gandhi's statement "Books are a man's best friends". WTF!! I don't remember one fucking friend who has been with me since I was 10. But porn, my dear friends, has been with me ever since I first laid my eyes upon Tina Munim (Yes I know she is a fat fuck now!!).

If it was not for porn, then human civilization would have never progressed so far. Why?? Because while you are watching porn your imagination power increases manifold. This same imagination helps you the next morning at work albeit it puts all living and non-living things around you in all sorts of dangers during night.

Any SOB who is against my belief about the significance of porn in our lives, should give me an example of some other source which provides recreation and humor at the same time. (Alright may be Aaj-Tak and India TV. But then I am talking about an all different kind of recreation aka bhoka-bhaaki.) Are you thinking where is the humor in porn?? Did you ever hear the background music in a desi porn?? Invariable in the background, you will find some Kumar Shanu sung romantic number like Bas Ek Sanam Chahiye Aashiqi Ke Liye.. or Kishore's Mere Dil ne Dhadak kar Jab Naam Tera Pukara if the director just thinks porn as a show of your favorite naked persons performing indescribable acts.

There are many things that fascinate me about porn and the foremost is the place where the young dicks like me and an old dick like you choose to hide their porn in the PC. Ever encountered a predicament when some chutia Tauji of yours asks for your laptop to check some political development? Well my favorite has always been this path which has been very carefully designed and tested rigorously over years by me.. "C:\Windows\System32" with a folder name Bill Gates ;-)

Now If some SOB still manages to discover my porn then he is one desperate bastard and surely deserves a little dose of porn.

An avid watcher of porn that I am, I am going to list down some disturbing commonalities that you will surely find across all porn movies:

1) The speed at which the guy pounds the gal suggests as if he is trying to make butter out of milk. I understand the speed around climax but relentlessly jack-hammering must not be good. I mean if you are a Rakhi Sawant or Karan Johar then its OK but for normal people, def NO!!

2)When standing for a blow job, the guy will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip like Yuvraj after hitting six 6s. Also its important for the guy to remind the bitch continuously with groans like "Suck It!!". WTF!! What else is that bitch kneeling down for?? To take his aashirwaad of sada garbhvati raho??

3) In an ideal situation even if the gal approves of your noble intentions of raping her, she ll definitely not approve that Latino style clothes ripping. And particularly if that top (buttons of which you popped off in cowboy style) turns out to be a designer one, then you better run for your life with your dick in your hands.

4) Almost half of my life has been invested in thinking and of-course discussing with my innocent friends about the reason why the women shown wears high heels to bed. Of-course the rest has been invested in querying each other about that constant slapping on the butt. What purpose does it really solves?

5) Where are those hospitals with those nurses that are shown in porn movies?

6) Women in porn movies always look surprised (and pleasantly if I may add so) when they open the guy's trousers and find a cock there as if they are opening a letter-box. They also have this appreciative grin on their face when the guy paints them white on their face.

7) When the gal is caught masturbating by a stranger in a porn movie, she always insists he have sex with her instead of shrieking with horror. This fact has led me to try the vice-versa scenario once, but that time, the bitch shrieked.

8) How does this guy in the movie find three or four girls climbing all over him as if he is some Vin Diesel. What about My Cousin Vinny-esque people like you and me?

9) Last but no the least, the guy ejaculating on the woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

To complete the above Ten-Commandments pour in your observations!!

P.S. For those who are unaware of what does BF stand for are sure to find their wives featuring in one. No, it is neither Baal Film nor Bajrang Fight.

P.P.S. I know this post would have re-kindled the wet thoughts of many of my friends (specially Northies!!) who grew up reading MastRam more than eating Chyawanprash. So for those horny shameless bitches, Google it yourself !

P.P.P.S. This post is written solely in the national interest of the country. So feel free to suggest more places where porn could be hidden.

-The author is an expert on porn who graduated from SIT (Sonagachi Institute of Technology) Kolkata .

Office space, Managerial crap and related bakchodi !!

I know most of you, my worthless readers, belong to IT sector and I also know that all companies are more or less the same when it comes to the biggest bakchodion earth i.e. working environment (Until and unless you are some loser working in Google or some achiever working in Wipro.) So I thought that since I have been the guiding light for you all in your personal lives so why not help you with your life at the workplace, after all I have been on the brink of getting promoted myself in my office for the last four years.So let me help you identify the types of co-workers that you will find in your office. The analysis is based by assuming a team of 10.

The Seedha Saadha Chutia: Every team has at-least one or max two of this brand. He beat a million sperm cells pushing his way out of his mom's vaginal canal just to work. He looks six months behind the schedule on the first day of the project. Now that's urgency for you. If it were not for such chutias then smart people like you and me would not be relaxing at your home reading a lousy cheap blog like this on a weekend. So be thankful to this kind of guy in your team. He is a guy who will single-handedly do half of the team's work and yet never fare the best appraisal ratings. He believes that Kaam hi pooja hai while somebody else is doing the kaam with his pooja back in his house. These people are collectively responsible for bringing the fertility rate down in the corporate sector. Whenever I see them working late and on weekends I realize why there are so many porn movies named Horny Housewives. They are the typical Ashok Patel kinds who leave the horny Savita Bhabhis back home for the doodhwalas and thechaukidaars to feast upon. Normally people belonging to this class are so weak that they need steroids to even watch a game of football.

The Makkhan-Baaz: This guy has got nothing to do with the technology and the work. All he targets is to oil his boss' ass. He absolutely loves it, its in his guts like cancer. He is the proverbial Mr Billy Buttlicker.His mom never gave birth to him, she excreted him in the toilet. His fake smile when talking to the boss looks more original than the fake pain that a porn actress displays while getting spanked. He will be frequently sending broadcast emails to the entire team about theoretically helpful stuff like Tech News, How to be efficient at the workplace et al. But the fact remains that he was being helpful only once in his life and that was when he beat a million sperm cells to come on earth, because the other sperms never wanted to be born out of that whore. He excels only in sending Time Sheet Entries and Status Reports on time. Also he will never miss an opportunity to come to office on an important day in his life to display commitment, like when his wife delivers a baby (which in all probability is his Boss'). At times he will annoy you so much that you will start considering relocating to the Himalayas.

The Einstein: He lives in his own world. Project deadlines are as important to him as is a condom to Rakhi Sawant. He is so learned that growing up he performed his own circumcision. He knows all the keyboard shortcuts for all the softwares invented. You will often find disturbing things like a data sheet or a science journal at his desk.

To-be manager: This poor SOB will have all the responsibilities of a manager minus the pay and the respect. He is like the BJP spokesperson Ravi Shankar Prasad who has to clean all the cum that Narendra Modi leaves behind. He will attain the not-so-coveted status of Dhobi-Ka-Kutta among the co-workers who would prefer to deal with lack of oxygen than him. He is like those super-intellectuals who blow themselves up with a dream of having virgins in the Jannatafter death. But unfortunately for him, in the end the management does to him what a dog does to a pillar.

The browser guy: He is like the Virendra Sehwag of Indian Cricket Team. He has a devil-may-care attitude. He can achieve great heights if he sets his mind to it, but for that FB and YouTube should be prohibited in the workplace. Quite often he also spends time testing all the Gmail features. Do you know the maximum number of allowable mails in a Gmail chain mail? Well, he does!!

The Chanakya: A crafty cunt. As the name suggests he is wicked, opportunistic and capable, all at the same time. He is as dangerous as an AIDS germ that got off the slide. He is The Achiever. He is like the MSD of Indian Cricket. While Tendulkar can let his bat do all the talking, Bhajji can let his balls do all the talking and Yuvi can let his tummy do all the eating but MSD will let stupid Indian media mint all the money for him.

The Gobar-Buddhi: He is the bhola of the team. His IQ ranges between -1 and 0, just below the one-celled organisms. If he were anymore stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. Its people like him who, in their evaluation report get statements like: 'He set's low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.' and 'Since the last appraisal cycle, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.' For this guy, in the Exp Vs Package graph, the Package worm only looks interested in the Exp worm's ass. His contribution to the team is as meaningful as a fart in a windstorm!!

The Maal : She is the only reason to come to office for some of the people (Mostly The Makkhan-Baaz) She is the one that makes every corpuscle in your dick percolate apart from your boss (Of-course for different reasons.) She can even give a pacemaker a heart attack. As expected she doesn't knows the ABCD of what's going on in the project, but gets away by wearing a push-up bra on the appraisal day. Though no-one has even touched her once, but everyone claims that she's been rogered more times than a walkie-talkie. It's because of her that employees irrespective of whether they are heading to the cafetaria or the conference room, take the route that surpasses her location, and always end up going to the rest-room, all stiff!! Every team has a minimum amount of zero and maximum amount of one such whore. The call centers are excluded from this analysis.

The Not-So-Maal: Unfortunately every team also has a minimum amount of 1 and maximum amount of 3 (If you are in Target India.) of these Maal with a NOT gate in front of them. Well she is the healer, in all sense of the word. She helps people at work and also provides a comforting cleavage sight when The Maalshoos people away. But the trouble comes when she sends you a friend request in FB. If she is already married then what could add to the misery will be her getting pregnant because then you have to take care of her as if we men never have sore nipples!!

The Manager MC: I know every manager is a MC. He might be the dick who took all your happiness away all these years but what you can't take away from him is the fact that he is the most important cog in the team wheel. You know you are in trouble when you hear words like these coming from him: 'We all are part of a big family.' which he ll be saying at the start of a meeting to convey a bad news or if he screws your appraisal then he vomits trash like 'Let's be adult about this.' or ' I really appreciate your hard work but an organization follows a pyramidal structure so not everyone can be rated the same even though everyone has worked very hard.' or ' You should take it in the right spirit.' In any case you have to hate your boss. You see, that's a universal rule. By the way, do you know that you can't be fired for calling your boss a Son of a bitch in Spain. May be its time to move to Spain!!

So which category do you belong to??

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P.S. Never under-estimate the presence of a female in your team as blood alone moves the wheels of the history, even if its in the form of discharge.

P.P.S. If you are not fitting into any of the above categories then you and me are in the same category (The one that I forgot to mention). Congrats!!

P.P.P.S. I am planning to write a post on hostel life. So do tell me the interesting incidents that happened in your hostel life.