It was a fine Saturday evening, I was burrowing the sorrows (that were inflicted upon me by my pussy-faced boss during the weekdays) into a desi porn movie titled Sardi Ki Raat Chuddo Bhabhi Ke Saath. I was buck naked, had one hand wrapped around the cheap Royal Stag quarter and the other wrapped around my magnificent, flaccid Six-and-a-half inch wonder (Yes. I am a man of exaggerations!!) and I am trying with all my might to remember what Katrina's nipples would look like. Strange how the lack of pussy changes even a good man's demeanor. Billu Devar, the hero in the movie was giving Chuddo Bhabhi the old and trusted in-out in-out treatment. He looked like a batman with a bat-dick and Chuddo Bhabhi was also some piece of work, if there was one.

Watching a BF always makes me think how the fuck are men meant to stay with the same girl for the rest of their life when I can't even wank over the same porn twice? That takes nothing away from the porn though. I seriously believe that porn is the best thing since sliced bread. If given a chance, I will very well like to become a public fornicator. Here, my tharaki readers, I would like to challenge that takla Gandhi's statement "Books are a man's best friends". WTF!! I don't remember one fucking friend who has been with me since I was 10. But porn, my dear friends, has been with me ever since I first laid my eyes upon Tina Munim (Yes I know she is a fat fuck now!!).

If it was not for porn, then human civilization would have never progressed so far. Why?? Because while you are watching porn your imagination power increases manifold. This same imagination helps you the next morning at work albeit it puts all living and non-living things around you in all sorts of dangers during night.

Any SOB who is against my belief about the significance of porn in our lives, should give me an example of some other source which provides recreation and humor at the same time. (Alright may be Aaj-Tak and India TV. But then I am talking about an all different kind of recreation aka bhoka-bhaaki.) Are you thinking where is the humor in porn?? Did you ever hear the background music in a desi porn?? Invariable in the background, you will find some Kumar Shanu sung romantic number like Bas Ek Sanam Chahiye Aashiqi Ke Liye.. or Kishore's Mere Dil ne Dhadak kar Jab Naam Tera Pukara if the director just thinks porn as a show of your favorite naked persons performing indescribable acts.

There are many things that fascinate me about porn and the foremost is the place where the young dicks like me and an old dick like you choose to hide their porn in the PC. Ever encountered a predicament when some chutia Tauji of yours asks for your laptop to check some political development? Well my favorite has always been this path which has been very carefully designed and tested rigorously over years by me.. "C:\Windows\System32" with a folder name Bill Gates ;-)

Now If some SOB still manages to discover my porn then he is one desperate bastard and surely deserves a little dose of porn.

An avid watcher of porn that I am, I am going to list down some disturbing commonalities that you will surely find across all porn movies:

1) The speed at which the guy pounds the gal suggests as if he is trying to make butter out of milk. I understand the speed around climax but relentlessly jack-hammering must not be good. I mean if you are a Rakhi Sawant or Karan Johar then its OK but for normal people, def NO!!

2)When standing for a blow job, the guy will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip like Yuvraj after hitting six 6s. Also its important for the guy to remind the bitch continuously with groans like "Suck It!!". WTF!! What else is that bitch kneeling down for?? To take his aashirwaad of sada garbhvati raho??

3) In an ideal situation even if the gal approves of your noble intentions of raping her, she ll definitely not approve that Latino style clothes ripping. And particularly if that top (buttons of which you popped off in cowboy style) turns out to be a designer one, then you better run for your life with your dick in your hands.

4) Almost half of my life has been invested in thinking and of-course discussing with my innocent friends about the reason why the women shown wears high heels to bed. Of-course the rest has been invested in querying each other about that constant slapping on the butt. What purpose does it really solves?

5) Where are those hospitals with those nurses that are shown in porn movies?

6) Women in porn movies always look surprised (and pleasantly if I may add so) when they open the guy's trousers and find a cock there as if they are opening a letter-box. They also have this appreciative grin on their face when the guy paints them white on their face.

7) When the gal is caught masturbating by a stranger in a porn movie, she always insists he have sex with her instead of shrieking with horror. This fact has led me to try the vice-versa scenario once, but that time, the bitch shrieked.

8) How does this guy in the movie find three or four girls climbing all over him as if he is some Vin Diesel. What about My Cousin Vinny-esque people like you and me?

9) Last but no the least, the guy ejaculating on the woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

To complete the above Ten-Commandments pour in your observations!!

P.S. For those who are unaware of what does BF stand for are sure to find their wives featuring in one. No, it is neither Baal Film nor Bajrang Fight.

P.P.S. I know this post would have re-kindled the wet thoughts of many of my friends (specially Northies!!) who grew up reading MastRam more than eating Chyawanprash. So for those horny shameless bitches, Google it yourself !

P.P.P.S. This post is written solely in the national interest of the country. So feel free to suggest more places where porn could be hidden.

-The author is an expert on porn who graduated from SIT (Sonagachi Institute of Technology) Kolkata .