Nashebaazi!!

Nashebaazi!!

"Khoob jamega rang, jab mil baithenge teen yaar..Main, aap aur Bagpiper" In this inspirational statement, Bagpiper has got nothing to do with the bakchodi that follows. Now today, I take upon myself the moral duty of categorizing the types of drinking companions that you will encounter in your long wretched alcohol-filled life .

Types of drunkards:

1) The Silent Assassin : This motherfucker goes about his job in a very silent way. While others will be boasting their stories of bravery and chivalry (mostly involving chicks), he will be gobbling down peg after peg. He will hardly participate in any bakchodi. To any greetings, his only answer will be "Bas yaar..Sab theek hai".

2) The Bakchod: He is the nucleus of any Daru-Party. He is like the straw that stirs the drink. He will be the most enthusiastic, right from the first peg till the penultimate peg. Of-course he will pass out during the last peg. I will give you certain dialogues which this guy is sure to utter during his non-stop bakchodi. This guy invariably follows this pattern:

After three pegs: He is sure to say to the friend hosting the party: "Tu mera chhota bhai hai...hiccchhh".

After five pegs: The Bakchod guy must have also had a tiff with some school-mate or college-mate in remote past but he will make sure that he takes this opportunity to utter out the words: "Yaar tu abhi phone laga use..Main baat karunga!"

After seven pegs: If any friend in the drinking party is suffering a heart-break then our Bakchod will say: "Bhai tu ek ishara kar bas! Sali ko uthwa denge ghar se!".

After eight pegs: To the same hart-broken friend, he is going to say: "Dost!! Aurat bahut madarchod cheez hoti hai! ..hicchhh".

After nine pegs: "Abey mere chadhi nahi hai.. Main to acting kar raha hun..hicchhh."

After ten pegs: "Saale daru pee kar English kitni acchi ho jaati hai re.. hicchh"

After eleven pegs: "Dost gaadi to main hi chalaunga.. hicchh"

After twelve pegs: Produces an eleven second fart which changes notes three times and forces all the mosquitoes in the room to suffocate to death.

3) The Majnu-Ranjha Remix: This poor chap is the one who is in deep love and mostly heart-broken as well. He is the same guy whom our Bakchod from type # 2 condoles by saying: "Bhai tu ek ishara kar bas! Sali ko uthwa denge ghar se!". This guy will mostly be quiet for the first four-five pegs, concentrating mainly on putting soft-n-slow sad songs. The choice of songs also depends upon how badly he has been raped in life. For instance, if he had a normal breakup cos things didn't work out, then he will be putting Mukesh's songs, but if he had seen his GF making love to another guy willingly (accompanied by moans of approval like 'Oh Yes!' 'Oh Yes!'.. 'Fuck Me!' 'Fuck Me!') then he will be surely listening to Ghulam Ali. He breaks his silence mostly after the fifth peg with the vintage dialogue: "Bhai bahut pyar karta hun usse.. Jaan bhi de sakta hun!!". Not to mention, how our Bakchod from type # 2 replies to this.

3) The Bania Buddhi: His only concern is to recover (if at all contributed) the money that he has pooled in to arrange the party. He is like our Arjuna of the 'parrot and eye' fame as his one eye is always focused on that most expensive side-dish (mostly salted cashew-nut) that is finishing at the rate of knots. Now this fuck can find himself in two predicaments:

Predicament #1: The party is about to get over although little alcohol is still left, but he still feels that he has not yet recovered his money (if at all contributed). So he will say: "Chal! Last peg neat maarte hain.."

Predicament #2: The party is over and so is the alcohol, but he still feels that he has not yet recovered his money (if at all contributed). So he will say: "Chal Pandit k yahan paraathe kha kar aatein hain..." hoping to extract more by answering a very important phone call when the bill for the paraathe comes.

4) The Saleem Pheku: He is a self-proclaimed Tanker. Having built a lot of clout with innocent chutiam sulphates about his heavy drinking prowess, he thinks he is the brightest bulb in the chandelier of drunks. But the reality remains, that when he is at his best he can take down only two pegs and that too mixed with a cold drink. His entire party time goes in diverting people's attention from his peg and to avoid any prospective fucking that is coming his way from that one fellow drunkard who is keeping an eye on how many pegs he is gulping down. But he will be guarding his peg like a coke formula.

5) The Chutia Host: His entire time in the party is consumed thinking why the fuck did he organize it!! His one eye will be on the door, fearing if his landlord has come to exchange the not-so-pleasant pleasantries and his other eye will be on the friend who is going to be the first wicket to fall. In regular intervals of fifteen minutes (After the first five rounds are over), you will hear this person grumbling: "Saale peete to ja rahe ho, lekin agar ulti kari mere room mein to gand tod dunga tumhari..".

I am sure, the next time you are in a Nashebaazi Party with your alcoholic good-for-nothing bakchod friends, you will be able to classify each of your friends into the categories mentioned above. With my experience of being in such parties and sometimes ending up with my face in the commode, I am sure I didn't miss any species of drunkards or did I ??