I know most of you, my worthless readers, belong to IT sector and I also know that all companies are more or less the same when it comes to the biggest bakchodion earth i.e. working environment (Until and unless you are some loser working in Google or some achiever working in Wipro.) So I thought that since I have been the guiding light for you all in your personal lives so why not help you with your life at the workplace, after all I have been on the brink of getting promoted myself in my office for the last four years.So let me help you identify the types of co-workers that you will find in your office. The analysis is based by assuming a team of 10.
The Seedha Saadha Chutia: Every team has at-least one or max two of this brand. He beat a million sperm cells pushing his way out of his mom's vaginal canal just to work. He looks six months behind the schedule on the first day of the project. Now that's urgency for you. If it were not for such chutias then smart people like you and me would not be relaxing at your home reading a lousy cheap blog like this on a weekend. So be thankful to this kind of guy in your team. He is a guy who will single-handedly do half of the team's work and yet never fare the best appraisal ratings. He believes that Kaam hi pooja hai while somebody else is doing the kaam with his pooja back in his house. These people are collectively responsible for bringing the fertility rate down in the corporate sector. Whenever I see them working late and on weekends I realize why there are so many porn movies named Horny Housewives. They are the typical Ashok Patel kinds who leave the horny Savita Bhabhis back home for the doodhwalas and thechaukidaars to feast upon. Normally people belonging to this class are so weak that they need steroids to even watch a game of football.
The Seedha Saadha Chutia: Every team has at-least one or max two of this brand. He beat a million sperm cells pushing his way out of his mom's vaginal canal just to work. He looks six months behind the schedule on the first day of the project. Now that's urgency for you. If it were not for such chutias then smart people like you and me would not be relaxing at your home reading a lousy cheap blog like this on a weekend. So be thankful to this kind of guy in your team. He is a guy who will single-handedly do half of the team's work and yet never fare the best appraisal ratings. He believes that Kaam hi pooja hai while somebody else is doing the kaam with his pooja back in his house. These people are collectively responsible for bringing the fertility rate down in the corporate sector. Whenever I see them working late and on weekends I realize why there are so many porn movies named Horny Housewives. They are the typical Ashok Patel kinds who leave the horny Savita Bhabhis back home for the doodhwalas and thechaukidaars to feast upon. Normally people belonging to this class are so weak that they need steroids to even watch a game of football.
The Makkhan-Baaz: This guy has got nothing to do with the technology and the work. All he targets is to oil his boss' ass. He absolutely loves it, its in his guts like cancer. He is the proverbial Mr Billy Buttlicker.His mom never gave birth to him, she excreted him in the toilet. His fake smile when talking to the boss looks more original than the fake pain that a porn actress displays while getting spanked. He will be frequently sending broadcast emails to the entire team about theoretically helpful stuff like Tech News, How to be efficient at the workplace et al. But the fact remains that he was being helpful only once in his life and that was when he beat a million sperm cells to come on earth, because the other sperms never wanted to be born out of that whore. He excels only in sending Time Sheet Entries and Status Reports on time. Also he will never miss an opportunity to come to office on an important day in his life to display commitment, like when his wife delivers a baby (which in all probability is his Boss'). At times he will annoy you so much that you will start considering relocating to the Himalayas.
The Einstein: He lives in his own world. Project deadlines are as important to him as is a condom to Rakhi Sawant. He is so learned that growing up he performed his own circumcision. He knows all the keyboard shortcuts for all the softwares invented. You will often find disturbing things like a data sheet or a science journal at his desk.
To-be manager: This poor SOB will have all the responsibilities of a manager minus the pay and the respect. He is like the BJP spokesperson Ravi Shankar Prasad who has to clean all the cum that Narendra Modi leaves behind. He will attain the not-so-coveted status of Dhobi-Ka-Kutta among the co-workers who would prefer to deal with lack of oxygen than him. He is like those super-intellectuals who blow themselves up with a dream of having virgins in the Jannatafter death. But unfortunately for him, in the end the management does to him what a dog does to a pillar.
The browser guy: He is like the Virendra Sehwag of Indian Cricket Team. He has a devil-may-care attitude. He can achieve great heights if he sets his mind to it, but for that FB and YouTube should be prohibited in the workplace. Quite often he also spends time testing all the Gmail features. Do you know the maximum number of allowable mails in a Gmail chain mail? Well, he does!!
The Chanakya: A crafty cunt. As the name suggests he is wicked, opportunistic and capable, all at the same time. He is as dangerous as an AIDS germ that got off the slide. He is The Achiever. He is like the MSD of Indian Cricket. While Tendulkar can let his bat do all the talking, Bhajji can let his balls do all the talking and Yuvi can let his tummy do all the eating but MSD will let stupid Indian media mint all the money for him.
The Gobar-Buddhi: He is the bhola of the team. His IQ ranges between -1 and 0, just below the one-celled organisms. If he were anymore stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. Its people like him who, in their evaluation report get statements like: 'He set's low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.' and 'Since the last appraisal cycle, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.' For this guy, in the Exp Vs Package graph, the Package worm only looks interested in the Exp worm's ass. His contribution to the team is as meaningful as a fart in a windstorm!!
The Maal : She is the only reason to come to office for some of the people (Mostly The Makkhan-Baaz) She is the one that makes every corpuscle in your dick percolate apart from your boss (Of-course for different reasons.) She can even give a pacemaker a heart attack. As expected she doesn't knows the ABCD of what's going on in the project, but gets away by wearing a push-up bra on the appraisal day. Though no-one has even touched her once, but everyone claims that she's been rogered more times than a walkie-talkie. It's because of her that employees irrespective of whether they are heading to the cafetaria or the conference room, take the route that surpasses her location, and always end up going to the rest-room, all stiff!! Every team has a minimum amount of zero and maximum amount of one such whore. The call centers are excluded from this analysis.
The Not-So-Maal: Unfortunately every team also has a minimum amount of 1 and maximum amount of 3 (If you are in Target India.) of these Maal with a NOT gate in front of them. Well she is the healer, in all sense of the word. She helps people at work and also provides a comforting cleavage sight when The Maalshoos people away. But the trouble comes when she sends you a friend request in FB. If she is already married then what could add to the misery will be her getting pregnant because then you have to take care of her as if we men never have sore nipples!!
The Manager MC: I know every manager is a MC. He might be the dick who took all your happiness away all these years but what you can't take away from him is the fact that he is the most important cog in the team wheel. You know you are in trouble when you hear words like these coming from him: 'We all are part of a big family.' which he ll be saying at the start of a meeting to convey a bad news or if he screws your appraisal then he vomits trash like 'Let's be adult about this.' or ' I really appreciate your hard work but an organization follows a pyramidal structure so not everyone can be rated the same even though everyone has worked very hard.' or ' You should take it in the right spirit.' In any case you have to hate your boss. You see, that's a universal rule. By the way, do you know that you can't be fired for calling your boss a Son of a bitch in Spain. May be its time to move to Spain!!
So which category do you belong to??
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P.S. Never under-estimate the presence of a female in your team as blood alone moves the wheels of the history, even if its in the form of discharge.
P.P.S. If you are not fitting into any of the above categories then you and me are in the same category (The one that I forgot to mention). Congrats!!
P.P.P.S. I am planning to write a post on hostel life. So do tell me the interesting incidents that happened in your hostel life.
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